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Statewide Parent Training Information Center (PTI) |
- How do you explain to a child without scaring them that there are people you can't trust, who might take advantage of them?
How do you explain to a child without scaring them that there are people you It's really hard, isn’t it? We want our kids to be wary without being afraid. A friend taught her child to never talk to strangers and then her son would scream, yell and carry on whenever anyone was near him in public. It was really embarrassing and turned into a real problem, as he would scream at people in the post office or at church. She came up with a great solution. She decided to teach her son to be wary of "people acting strangely" instead of strangers.
We know that most of the abusers of kids with disabilities are known to them, so it doesn't make much sense to teach them to fear strangers. They need to know that they should become alarmed when people begin to do things that are strange. A person touching you anywhere on your body without saying anything to you is strange. A person staring at you in the shower is acting strange. A person you don't know asking you to get in his car is acting strange. A person you know telling you your mother sent him to pick you up when your mom told you that in an emergency your brother would come--this person is acting strange. A person acting strangely is a much better concept to teach because it includes people the child knows and people the child does not know.
In order for this concept to work, kids need to know what is appropriate touch and what is not so that they can discriminate when someone is doing something wrong.
We can learn from the tragic case of a person with a disability in my community who was pulled out of a mall by a stranger and sexually assaulted in a nearby apartment. When the disabled man now severely traumatized was let go and found help, I was contacted to come to his group home and provide counseling and support. I asked him why he didn't call out for help. His response was, "Don't talk to strangers." He needed to learn, and indeed has learned, that at certain times every stranger is a potential friend. While at this stranger's apartment, this disabled young man's pants were taken down by the assaulter. At that point he said, "No, stop". The trouble was, it was too late for him to use this approach. Children need to learn to protest at the beginning of the assault, not the end. The assault begins by someone acting strangely.
- I have a problem with what I see in the lower grades with what teachers/assistants call "developmentally appropriate touching". I am concerned because these "hugs" and "loves" will not be appropriate in a few years and I fear my child will be hooked on these behaviors.
You have good reason to be concerned. Research shows us that the most common problem encountered by developmentally delayed adolescents is inappropriate touching. It stands to reason that if you practice a behavior for years--i.e. hugging, holding hands, cuddling, and kissing teachers/assistants that you are going to continue to exhibit that behavior as you mature only now it may be a co-worker, an employer, a fellow student or anyone acting in a helpful way.
If I could get the message through to those who work with younger children of how important it is to teach alternative ways of showing others you care, I would have done a great deal to reduce the social problems of young people with DD. Staff/family need to constantly be asking themselves if this behavior is going to be an appropriate adult behavior and shape our responses accordingly.
Instead of always hugging a child for a job well done, pat hands and say: "good job", or "way to go". Instead of hugging, give a child a pat on the back, a handshake or a smile. Verbal praise along with a smile is the best. Social distance is a very important part of appropriate adult behavior. We need to honor and teach social distance to young children. It will protect them from predators and it will keep them having accusations made against them.
When a child is young couple your hugs, kisses and cuddles with the bedtime ritual or arriving home from school. Reinforce that these "loves" are between parent and child. Place boundaries on these behaviors so your child will not be prone to going up and hugging inappropriate persons. Teach the concept of "to close for comfort" and require that your child keep appropriate social distance.
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